Posted on December 31, 2011
So your mother is not speaking to you. I know it's hard so let me speak for you.
"My mother does not talk to me. So Mother's day is painful. When someone mentioned that they went out with their mother, I am crestfallen. It feels like part of me is missing.
Its a day I should be enjoying. It should be so simple. I have a mother, and I love her, but unfortunately the feeling is not reciprocated. Or so it seems.
She is alive and well, and living in the same town as me. But we do not speak. We fell out over something trivial - to everyone else, but is a mountain to us. We might as well be in the opposite ends of the earth. We have been in the same hall at family occasions and she hugs and laughs with everyone else but me. "
How can a mother not love her child? Or if she loves the child - Why not show it? We read of mother's mistreating their child, starving them, beating them, abandoning them. A child surely is the most precious gift. What makes a mother reject this most precious result of her being?
a) For some its a resentment of the father. The father abandoned them. The father mistreated the mother at some time. Every time they see the child, they see the father, because the child resembles the father.
b) For others the child has done something, the mother cannot forgive. The child maybe has done it many times. They just cannot help it. They have apologised, but it keeps happening. The mother cannot accept that it will happen again and prefers therefore not to have a relationship with the child.
c) For many, the mother refuses to talk to the child, because they do not like what the child what the child has become, or the child's partner, or lifestyle.
d) For others, it's the mother who has initially done something which has really upset the child. They had words, and the child said very hurtful words. Words can cut like a knife, and the mother has not recovered from the wounds.
The mother is privately thinking, "My child does not talk to me. We fell out a months/years ago. I miss her/him, but will not make the first move. If they called I would be there for them."
Meanwhile mother is listening out for the telephone on Mother's day, wondering if today her child will call. But the phone stays silent. Or when it rings, she tries hard to hide the disappointment that it's not that particular son or daughter. The funny thing, even if the mother has 6 children, the one that doesn't call is always upper most in her mind. Remember the parable of the prodigal son.
This estranged mother/child relationship is not so rare. We estimate 1 in 10 mother-child relationships are found wanting of love and genuine friendship. When friends are discussing what they did with their mothers, the child feels pangs of pain. No matter how old the child is, from 5 to 75. The feeling of hurt is the same.
Solutions:
How to make up with your mother.....
Send a text, or a card. This gesture is impersonal and avoids the embarrassing silence. It could help to break the ice.
Ask for forgiveness. Say sorry. Even if you cannot see her point of view, just humble yourself and say sorry for causing her to be upset.
If no response to above, ask someone you know to mediate and test the waters. See if there is willingness on the to talk with a third-party.
Remember we do not live forever, so need to make use of the time now. Don't put it off until tomorrow, next week, next month or next year which could possibly not arrive.
This time can pass. The lovely times spent in a good relationship will be remembered forever. Put resentment behind you, close your eyes, forget, and jump into a new phase of friendship.
If none of the above works, know that you tried, and look for surrogate mothers who would actually be honoured if you asked them to be your adopted mum. And talk about the issue with close friends. Don't bury it, to fester in your body. Free yourself. You never know. Time heals, so try again in a few months.
Posted on December 30, 2011
Divorce may be one of the worst moments in your life, and it will impact everything happening in you and your children's lives. Many children will experience the pain, frustration, stress, and loss that divorce brings to their lives. While kids are very resilient they need help adjusting to a new life when their parents are separated. There are many things that the parents can do to help their children with the divorce process. Often how you deal during the divorce impacts how they handle their loss.
When you break the news of the divorce or separation, keep in mind how you approach the subject. Tell them honestly and simply what is happening. When telling your children about the divorce, never say anything detrimental about the spouse; gently explain that it is the best thing to do for you and your spouse. Answer their questions and help them to understand as best as possible. Reassure them that they did not do anything that lead to the divorce. Children will often blame themselves during the divorce process. They may then try to negotiate with you or your spouse about things they could change that would keep the family intact. As simply as possible let them know that aren't in anyway responsible for this divorce. Reassure them with a discussion that they did not do anything that caused the divorce, and then calm them with a discussion about their feelings about the separation.
Expect a mix of emotions everything from depression to anger to denial and everything in between. Children are grieving the loss of their family. While grief may not be a perfect example, it does help to remember to understand the potential emotions your children are feeling. Some typical stages of grief include anger, depression, denial, bargaining, and acceptance, not everyone will experience these stages or go through them in a particular order or length of time. Examples include anger at their parents for the divorce, sadness about not being able to see a particular parent as often, bargaining asking their parents what they can do to keep the family together, denial in refusing to believe or understand that the divorce is happening, and finally acceptance that the separation is taking place. Be accepting of any feelings that your children have, allow them to have their feelings, and help them to understand that it is OK to feel upset and hurt because of what is happening. Talking to them, answering questions, and being accepting will go a long way towards them coping well with this transition in their lives.
Keep your children out of your fight with your spouse. Do not speak badly about your spouse or discuss any legal/financial matters in front of your children. Discussing legal and financial affairs often serves to confuse your children about what is happening even further, making their adjustment period even harder to deal with. Particularly do not force your Children to choose sides. Choosing sides can backfire and create resentments and difficulties for everyone, particularly when you need to be on the same page as your ex-spouse about a discipline issue. By minimizing the disruption to your child's routines and making transitions and changes as routine as possible, will help with the adjustment process for your children.
Get help dealing with your own painful feelings about the divorce. If you're able to adjust; then, your kids will be more likely to do so. There are many different groups and programs aimed at helping people deal with their divorce such as Divorce Care and Divorce Care for Kids. Be patient with yourself and your children; because, this is not an easy process. There will be both good and bad days: but, by being patient, you will make it easier for your children; and yourself. Spend quality time interacting with your kids and help them to adjust. Continue to feel that they are special to you as you go through the divorce process.
Recognize stress that your kids display. Consult your kids' teachers, doctor, or a child therapist for guidance for handling specific problems you're concerned about. Feeling hurt and or overwhelmed by your divorce is not a reason to confide in your children. This will only cause confusion and bad feelings toward you or your spouse. For help sorting through your feelings, consider joining a divorce support group or seeking counseling. If you and your spouse need help reaching decisions about your children during or after the divorce; then, consider using the services of a family or divorce mediator.
Your kids may: likewise, benefit from counseling. Particularly if he or she has significant behavioral issues, seems depressed or has trouble adjusting to the divorce after the first year. You can help your children to understand what has happened by being honest and providing reassurance.
Jeffrey Gallup graduated from Stephen F Austin Statue University in 2004, earned a Master's degree in Community Counseling, and is Licensed Professional Counselor.
Jeffrey has a strong background in providing counseling and psychological assessment to children, teens, young adults and their families. Having completed internships at Timberlawn Hospital, and Avenues Counseling Center he has worked with a variety of people from all backgrounds, and cultures.
Posted on December 29, 2011
I left work early yesterday to go see the child psychologist by myself. The therapist agreed that there was no need to bring my daughter but rather she and I could work on various strategies for situations where I feel out of control with her. I left her office feeling like I have yet another person on my side. My family has always gotten on me because I don't punish my kids.
The therapist and I discussed the meaning of disciplining. She said it is to teach. So with that in mind and since I am mainly having problems with my teenage daughter, I discuss what my daughter has done that needs disciplining. We talked about my daughters lying and determined that she lies for status placement. It is very common in teenage girls especially ones from a divorce. They are trying to find out where they fit. She went on to further point out that since her dad is out on disability and I work full-time, she is different from her friends, whose dads all work. The therapist feels that having a discussion with my daughter about this rather than sending her to her room would probably get better results. She asked what else my daughter was doing and I told her I felt she disrespects me in front of her peers but when we are alone my daughter always explains she doesn't want her friends to know she likes me or thinks I dress nice or look pretty. The therapist said then you need to teach her to be sullen. This will be something I must reinforce if she has nothing nice to say, say nothing.
Lastly we discussed control. I explained that I have cried a lot over the past few years and felt overwhelmed and haven't made the best decisions in certain situations. The therapist said that my daughter is reacting to me. If I don't have control, she will take it whether or not she really wants it. The therapist told me it is very important that I maintain control in all situations that the kids see me in. The worst thing I can do is cry over spilled milk so to speak. Obviously if there is a death in the family or a major crisis crying is acceptable but other than that I need to stay calm and in control. I told the therapist I have been going to Co-Dependency meetings and I am learning that it is so important not to let other people's behavior affect me. This should help me maintain control. I told her I feel I will learn a lot from reading the book and applying the techniques to my everyday life.
I have noticed the happier I am the happier the my daughter is. The less I complain about mundane things the less stressed my daughter is. I have to keep in mind it is never too late, my daughter is still young enough to be ok from my divorce. If they can see how happy I am they will know that I needed to leave their dad on that reason alone. He is an Archie Bunker type guy and I know inside me is a playful woman who is screaming to get out. So I am letting her come out slowly as to not freak myself out too much. I hope as I let myself become more comfortable being relaxed and not so uptight I will be more fun to be around.
The therapist and I agreed to meet in 6 weeks for a follow-up. I hope to report that my relationship with my daughter has gotten much better.