We all spend a great deal of time planning for our lives. We plan for everything... from what we are going to wear to how we plan to retirement. Plans help keep us safe and make us feel like we have certainty in our lives. They offer stability and peace of mind but rarely do our plans prepare us for the darkness of loss.

Spending time with a loved one who is facing the end of life is not something we plan for; it is something that happens to us while we are making plans. I don't believe any one person escapes this reality; but when the reality knocks on our door we have no choice but to let it in. We do not plan to become a care giver for a loved one. Yet, somewhere, within the folds of this darkness, are gifts... if we can only have the courage to open them.

The winter solstice is here and it ushers out the light of day before we even get home from work. It is that time of year for retreating into darkness. With shorter days come longer nights that can feel endless, especially when we are facing or revisiting the loss of a loved one. When loss is faced, the womb of natural darkness during this time of year makes the feelings of loss more acute. Perhaps it is the holidays...or the shorter days...but loss can feel especially hard as carols are sung or menorahs are lit.

There are ways to surrender to the darkness and allow it to nurture and care for you. The first and most important step is to be willing to surrender. Whether soul sitting for a loved one or grieving a past loss, sorrow can feel like a sword in our hearts and so we fight the feelings of grief that can overcome us. But in truth, the only way to experience the gift of grief is to surrender to it, much in the same way we surrender to sleep as the night enfolds our pillows.

Once you give permission to yourself to feel your sadness, to walk into your grief, it becomes less acute. There is no magic or answer to take it away, but allowing it permission to be felt will lessen its hold on your heart. The next step is to begin to put together a list of blessings and gifts that represent the life of your relationship with the person you are soul sitting or grieving for. Like wild flowers waiting to be plucked, you will find each blessing adds to the next, until you have a lovely bouquet that represents your life together.

Once you have these blessings gathered into your own personal gratitude bouquet, the next step is to offer these blessings to your loved one. Or you could simply sit down with them, hold their hands, look into your eyes, and remind them of all the things they did that made a difference for you in your life. When we say things aloud, we offer a confirmation and reassurance to our loved ones that their life matters. In memory of a loss, creating a simple memorial or special place may offer some peace. You could put them together with pictures, create a paper floral with each memory written and attached to a popsicle stick or floral wire and arranged in a beautiful vase.

Such seemingly small things are monumental gifts that cannot be found anywhere but in your heart. It is through these gifts, found in what feels like the darkest part of our journey, that the true value of life can be experienced and lived. It is the peace that passes all understanding.

Finding Solace in the Solstice

1. Accept and surrender to the experience.

You cannot undo or fix this. The only thing you can do is experience it.

2. Sit silently and embrace your grief.

Allow your tears to flow and give your heart permission to feel. As you are able to stop fighting your emotions you will feel your whole body relaxing.

3. Count your blessings.

In the state of acceptance, you will find solutions and some peace.

4. Communicate what you discover with the person you love...even if that person is no longer with you.

The simple act of sharing your heart is a gift that will continue to give throughout life.

5. Give the world the gift of you.

There is no greater path to peace than to give back to the world you live in. Perhaps you have a neighbor in need of care or a visit; perhaps you have resources that can benefit a family in need or a child; perhaps you have some time you can share at your church, your community center, or with charitable organizations. And if your life only has space for something small, give the biggest gift of all, your patience.

Stacey Canfield is the founder of Soul Sitters ( http://www.soulsitters.com ), a resource and support site for souls who are assisting someone who is in the final stages of life.

My son has changed. Since starting school last year he's become a different kid. Moody, secretive and sullen, he spends a lot of time in his room. He's always texting on his phone, but doesn't want to say to whom, and he spends hours on his computer. When I ask him about his online activities, he says he's "doing schoolwork".

I had a real shock last week. I went into Jack's room to strip his bed and pick up the laundry and he had left his computer on. I know I probably shouldn't have snooped, but I have been so worried about him. So I opened his email. There were hundreds of notifications from two different social network sites. I only had to read a few before the picture became crystal clear. My son has been the victim of online bullying. No wonder he didn't want to talk about it, poor kid! The language and insults I read from this bully were demoralizing and disgusting.

I got a phone call later in the day from an administrator at Jack's school. Good thing, because I was ready to call them to get to the bottom of this bullying thing. Turns out, the administrator was calling to tell me that Jack was failing in two of his classes, and wanted a conference with me about it. I was really in a state when Jack got home from school. I didn't want to admit I had snooped on him, but I felt that the poor guy had suffered enough, and I wanted him to know I was here to help.

I decided to confront him about the bullying. This set off a torrent of anger and emotion, much worse than I expected. It took Jack about 2 hours to calm down enough for me to get him to speak to me, he was so angry. I finally got through to him and he broke down and told me that this had been going on for 7 months, and he didn't know how to stop it. He felt ashamed and angry, and hated to go to school because the bully was in two of his classes and taunted him regularly. There was nothing blatant that the instructors could see, but whispers and comments that referred to the heinous emails sent online.

I reassured Jack that I was going to help him deal with this problem and expressed my wish that he had come to me before the problem had escalated to this point. "I was embarrassed Mom", was all he would say. The first step we took was to block the email of this individual who was harassing Jack, and to remove and report him on the social networks that he had been using. I met with the school administrator and informed him of the goings on and he promised to contact the other student's parents ("but I don't know if it will do any good") and meet with the student individually as well. I suggested that they hold an assembly for all the children and create and enforce a zero-tolerance policy for any type of bullying in the future. He agreed.

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